I am highly motivated to blog tonight for a very weird reason but oh well, I sat down today just thinking about my mother. Fear of the unknown consumes me these days that something bad will happen but I reject it. God is faithful. So I kept on thinking about my mothers smile all through out today, i wonder why her smile though. Smiles can seem mundane, or even trite until you go for a couple of months forgetting the light they bring. A while ago, my mother forgot how to smile as life overshadowed her 5"4 body. She was busy dealing with the cancer that had decided to reside in my daddy's brain and in our lives unfortunately. Along the lines or taking daily trips to the hospital and usual conversations with the devil to go back to where he came out from, slowly tears began to replace smiles and fasting and prayer became happiness.
Well as life would serve us, there came the heaven rejected and hell sent in-laws who never fail to play their part in making life miserable for the widowed woman. She suddenly forgot how a smile was created or formed, her brain just could not draw that line across her face and pre-cancer, my mother was a well of laughter.
The pillar of strength that my mother is did not settle for less neither did she trade words with the devil for too long, she knew better than that and she began to go back to her days of inner glow and outward beauty. Mehn my mother is beautiful oh. (She gave me some aswell, to God be the glory).Something in her just always lets me know I am safe when I'm around her. Nothing gives me more joy today than when I pick up the fone when she calls and she has endless laugh sessions when we have some jisting times and she calls me "gbo gbo bigz gyalz"....I appreciate laughter like never before because once upon a time, mother knew not how to laugh. God really gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, and gladness for mourning.
Brighten someones day with a smile this week people.
Random fact: ~ Newborns tend to have more preference for a person with a smile then a person that is not smiling
This quote is what I am trusting right now to explain itself to me with time.
Forgive me for not being on here in a minute! I really do not know what is keeping me away but all i know is life is trying to overtake me. Alot has been going on lately with me but let me report myself right here where no one can really box me or slap me or anything. I really do not understand myself anymore but here goes:
So my last post which was titled Dark Chocolate that i deleted due to some reasons was about this dude that has got my head and my heart racing 120mph no jokes. First of all, what attracted me to him was how laid back he is. Yes I have a thing with loud people because they are very slow to think but extra-quick to speak. So dark chocolate had this calm spirit about him that just made me happy whenever I saw him. We have class together on tuesdays and thursdays and he sits right behind me. *I'm really having a hard time writing this I wonder why so please bear with me*. This guy is one of those people I have never said a word to but I have already fallen for them and this RARELY happens to me so you can imagine my confusion. I began going to the gym every night at 8.30pm or later just because I knew he would be there but I could not say a simple 'HI!.' Whenever I saw him,my heart just froze and it is so unlike me to be shy or anything like that although I am generally reserved and slow to speak in nature. I could not wait for tuesdays or thursdays to come just so I could go to class and see him....
It is so weird because I really like this dude like genuinely to the point were it is getting stupid because I can't say anything to him and I do not know if he wants to say anything to me. He looks at me on the regular but he does not smile or anything, like WTH am i missing something? People have been telling me to go and talk to him and all but they fail to understand it is so hard for me seeing as i literally freeze when he is around me. Yesterday we had an inauguration ceremony of our new president at school so everyone was required to look their best and all. I really do not know how but my eyes found this dude in a multitude of thousands of people, he looked so sharp and clean in his suit. His body is just in its perfect state to me like it actually can't get better so it made the suit look wonderful. Tall, dark and handsome is the perfect way to describe.lol Yes i would not go into details of him so no one will start imagining what I'm wishing for. .....Jokes!
So after the inauguration when the crowd was leaving, there is no way possible that i can excuse why he was directly behind me at a point because where he sat was far from where i sat so the proximity was just ....I don't know but I am not complaining. PS: I caught him staring at me twice during the occasion. He probably knows I have some spot somewhere for him but I really do not care at this point. I have tried to no avail (If that is english) to talk to him but it does not happen because my mouth just will not move when I see him so i have given up on him. Today was so annoying and I am currently in a mood because I planned I did not want to see him today because I feel like I am putting myself infront of him too much or making me appear cheap and I DO NOT MESS WITH MY REPUTATION AT ALL!!!! so I walked to the cafeteria and there he was, the first person I caught sight of as usual. He was sitting at a table alone so i looked for my friend and sat with her after getting a slice of pizza I ended up not eating because my appetite varnished when i saw him....IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? probably....
So we stayed there all afternoon till it was time for us to leave, he gave us the cue to leve when he stood up and i was like I am goin to talk to him today and get this over with, i got there and he dropped his plate and all but when he was right beside me walking out of the cafeteria, yes!!! My mouth just closed. :( I felt extra dumb because I was looking right at him but he did not look at me so my confidence to speak just left. Later this evening we have Chic-fil-a in school so I went there with the same friend I was with just to chill and probably get something to eat when I captured him right there, I felt like a STALKER but I did not know he was in there because I planned not to see him today so I do not give him wrong signals and he will think I am freaky or something. Before i knew it, he got up and left with some girl that was semi-touching him. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO DUMB Before!
So i have resorted to letting him go and supressing my feelings because I can only wish for so much plus this feels so one-sided and I have never been the one to chase a guy for any reason so I cannot start because that is not me and i am VERY aware of my worth. So it is kind of a process to let him out of mind but there is a starting point somewhere which I have begun. I really need to work out but I am not going to the gym at all tonight even though I know dar chocolate is there.
Lord help me! If I had one wish, he would be mine.
Random fact: ~.Studies show that the risk of a “secret love” being revealed heightens romantic feelings for the partners, thanks to increased levels of phenylethylamine.
I am MAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD, frustrated and irritated right now. I have been trying so hard to write this in an indirect way but the frustration in my heart is beyond me. I probably will delete this post later but....WHATEVER!
ehen, so to the issue at hand. My roomate wants to make me grow old by force my people. I think my general problem is I am too nice or soft-spoke. (Daddy I blame you oh....In a good way sha). This girl has not failed in annoying me on a daily basis and I also am not use to not talking to the people around me, like if we live in the same room c'mon we just have to talk. She does not talk to me, even to say 'hi' is a big problem but i never fail to say hi to her. I tolerate her attitude oh because I am really slow to anger but if I finally snap....Just don't even look me in the eye because I may pluck your eyes out.
So I have come to terms with her that she does not want to have anything to do with me, fine and good. I cannot understand why at this stage in her life she still cannot clean up after herself. I do not care at all if she does not make her bed and the likes afterall i no dey follow am sleep ontop, but haba things i paid for like the bathroom, microwave, fridge and the rest just have to be clean. I go to take a shower on a daily basis, there is hair and soap scum on the wall or the base of the shower, I manage to rinse it to avoid wahala oh and I give her benefit of doubt that she did it unconsciously. Day two, I go to shower, it is still clean because ofcourse she did not take a shower but when she happens to shower, the process is done again.
I want to use the toilet, tell me why the tissue roll is hanging and touching the floor? could she not cut the amount of tissue she needed and left the place looking decent? Is that too much to ask? I forgot to say, as i walk in, there is this big bad og laudry at the front of the door while she is sleeping, i move it to shower. I was on my way out to go to class this morning when I decided to leave her a note. (It just feels weird to me to talk to her or something because she is older than me, though she does not exhibit it but i still give her her respect) I write a short note telling her to please rinse the shower if she takes a bath and she should please not drag the tissue roll all the way to the floor. I apologise also for always being in her space and all that. I try to keep it nice and all.
So i jejely walk back from class this cool bright day. I see a note in reply of the one o previously sent sitting nicely on my laptop keyboard saying:
"Hey you dont have to write letters everytime you see some out of place like little stuff like my laundry bag, you could just move it out the bathroom or oust(I dno what that is) Pull the toilet sheet off. IK we two diff pill + I dont know ur use to living but you have to take into consideration that we are two diff pill, (Me no be tablet oh) we live differently, and the little stuff you pick about is minor! But you can just talk to me about it cause im having a difficult time living with you + Im not at all a junky person(I am sure she really is not...Hiss)...but Id like to wake up one morning or day without a complaint on my desk.
See my life abeg! Is it me that is loving my living time with her? I don't even know what to do sef. Mumsy said I should pick up after her and when i am going to wash my clothes I should go with hers too. I should iron her stuff and just be good to her. Na soo! I really do not know what step to take anymore. I did not even mention how she bothers my night talking on the fone all night. Arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!!!
Okay people, I am taking my size 0 body to the gym to get endorphins! :) Endorphins make me happy. Please people what should I do?
Random fact: ~In Cleveland, Ohio, It is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
Here I am, like broken pieces of glass scattered everywhere, trying to be put together in any ways possible. Why does God love me so much? Why does he wake me up every morning? why doesn't he take my life away at night? I am on this journey of discovering myself, it really is not easy but I am making progress, I have learnt new things about myself lately. So I had a random thought today:
If a knife was held to my mothers throat and I was told if i say Jesus is truly Lord she will lose her life, what will i say? Will i still stand for what I believe in or will I deny Him? It is my daily desire to live my life for Him but when push comes to shouve (SP?), will I still stand.....Hmmmm. Why is wrong slowly turning into good? What happened to the days when we were ashamed to say 'Sex'? Now you are scared to say you are a 'Virgin'. So many thoughts cloud my mind. I walk into church and see alot of people standing like pole wires, they CANNOT move their bodies in church but if you go to a club, they are dripping with sweat at the dacefloor. Why has God lost His place? No one is perfect but how many people make the effort to do the right things?
He gave us life, He sacrificed His own life for us, not because he wanted to or it was easy. He was scarred, beaten, insulted, mocked, spat on, stepped on, pierced with a sword all in the name of love and here we are, total emptiness.
I am not here to preach as it is not my place neither am I the brightest star in the sky but it is just a chain of random thoughts. How far do we take christianity? I practice a relationship with God or atleast I try, not a religion. Do I really love God? or do i just say it? Do i know whom I serve or I'm just a sunday christian? If the trumpet should sound right now, where will I go? will i be welcomed into His arms or will he look down in shame and say "I never knew you?" I may sit and chat smack about people, but is my own life on track?! what makes me better than anyone else? A couple of days ago my facebook status was "When life gets you down, get on your knees and pray" or something along those lines, some dude had the audacity to comment 'God does not have insurance...LOL'
I did not know what to even reply sef. The words just failed me. What is this world turning to? God is all of a sudden a big joke. If this world was like back in the days when if you blasphemed or the likes the ground will open up and swallow you, alot of people will be gone from this earth. I maintain a pretty balanced life, I do not club (personal choice) because I see no reason why I should but I dance alot and i think my social life is pretty normal. It does not make me any better than anyone. People sit down and tear people down with words when you yourself know in your heart of hearts what you do behind closed doors. Does God still have His place in our lives? Is he number one or a bit below that?! If my father was to see the kind of life I live now, would he smile at me? What of mummy? If she should check my facebook inbox or my phone what would her reaction be? It is so hard to do good these days because the temptation is so high but I make a concious effort to be the best I can be.
Simple questions I ask myself like: What is my motive behind wearing this dress? whose attention am I trying to get? Why am I going into this relationship? are my values intact or I need more time so i make it work?Is he deserving of me? he wants me to walk with him to that corner, and I am going along with him, Why? although temptation gets the better part of me on a regular. Life is tough i must confess. I try so hard to stay principled so I don't fall off track but after a long battle with temptation, i let it win. Where will you be when forever finds you?
:::I think I am everything, but yet I am nothing:::
Random fact! ~The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.