Scared to Love.

He says he wants to show me he is different,he says he wants me to see that they all are not one and the same, how do I know when the right one comes? Will there be a big sign on his forehead alerting me to open up my heart? I do not want to give just anyone my heart because it is one of the most treasured posessions of mine and as soon as i open it up to anyone, It becomes 75% theirs and 25% mine.

Everyone calls me 'heartless' and the likes, little do they know that I am far from those words. In my world, you will have to work real hard, better come prepared with an extra battery and a reservoir of strenght because it is not one of them easy conquests. All around me, Jackson is playing with tricia's heart but she thinks she is his one and only, Tony just slept with lisa while caroline was on summer vacation with her family. So who in this world deserves my heart? Why should I give it and who is worthy enough to handle it?

In high school I was really observant and I still am till date, I found out there was a notice board in the senior boys hostel where the boys had names of girls for the week that they would either seal the deal with (ask out and make sure the girl agrees) or break their hearts just for fun. Girls that gave their viginities to guys that had no business with even looking at their faces if you ask me. I would walk around my hostel randomly and see girls crying or highly depressed because some dude said he no longer wanted her. C'mon you gave him all he ever wanted, what else would he want from you? Self-respect in collaboration with 'the talk' taught me to wait till I found my prince charming before I gave my "Pride" away. (Don't get me wrong, I am very aware that man no be wood but you have to pay the price and sow into your future sometimes).

In terms of love, i wish we could go way back in time to when love was peaceful and the term 'player' wasn't coined yet. When love still had her place in the dictionary that was sacred. When i sit down and I am idle I really want a boyfriend out of pure joblessness, but when i actually think of the reasons why I feel I want one, the thought goes away. Being in a relationship requires alot, people are so quick to rush into something so big a deal. You go into a relationship with a guy that does not believe in what you believe in and you expect for peace to reign? hmmmmm, I beg to differ. Slowly, you begin compromising your values and baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang! he has lost that respect he once had for you.

The pressure to get intimate is really high in ALL relationships (In my world), there is no relationship that I can think of that does not have that issue except they really are not in love. You get in and before you know it you have done what you were not suppose to. Let me go straight, you have sex with a guy few months in and lets say you somehow get pregnant, you are left with the option of aborting the innocent young'n that did not beg to come into this hateful world. You have just ended a life that God put inside of you. So why start something you can't finish? You might say you are in control of yourself buh did he tell you he is in control of himself?

So dude was giving me them rubbish flows of how he wants to complete me.....shuooooo? (I tell u say something do me before?) and what not, so being naturally curious and inquisitive before stepping into gbese, I ask oga where does he see himself in the next five years? BTW this is a 23 year old dude that just got his first degree, it took him a hot minute to actually think of his life before he could finally cough out "I really don't know but I like to go one day at a time". A big F9, he failed his test one time, he does not have a plan for his future but he wants to complete woman? abeg, abeg, abeg! Many people I come in contact with always tell me they cannot wait to see who will be my next love, I can't wait myself because due to the people that have been opportuned to be in my past, hmmmmmmmm.....they have helped me a great deal in building extra tall walls plus barb-wire sef *Big upps* to you all.

People say wait till you find the right one then your story will change, you will sing songs of love, bla bla bla: I am waiting patiently while God is shaping and moulding and making my 'forever'. I was on MSN this evening and I was talking to a friend of mine, he was telling me about one of my pasts that seemed to me would actually be different form other guys and such, he said that the guy was talking about all the girls he had slept with and even going as far as making the sounds the girls made buh when he came to me, he could not put me in line with those girls but to end his jist well he said for sure, that he would have had hes share with me last december (we were on the long distance thing), that he was almost done convincing me sef. I laughed sooooooooooooooooo hard this evening though it is not funny. It just made me think of the kind of things and people I have come across and what kind of vacation my brain was on when they came by. LOL.
My letter to cupid.

Dear Cupid,

I have enjoyed your shots to my heart even though they were not all pleasant, I need you to hit me with your best shot and let me love the one who deserves me divinely. You gave me a fragile heart but you did not unlock it and so I am scared to love.....HELP!

Random fact:
experts insist that the average person falls in love seven times before marriage.

I'm out people, have a great week!

Ebony!